One of my favorite websites, Deadspin.com, just turned one year old yesterday. In honor of the milestone, Will Leitch, the editor, created a hall of fame for Deadspin and allowed the readers to select the inductees. The ballot boxes have been stuffed and seven people/incidents have been elected to the inaugural HOF class. Here is how the ceremony went:
The Deadspin Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony is the culmination of one year of inappropriate jokes, sports voyeurism and unbridled commenting genius on Deadspin.com. Appropriately enough, the ceremony takes place in the Berea Public Library, the scene of Inductee Carl Monday's greatest work of investigative journalism.
To start things off, Will Leitch, the President and Founding Member of the Deadspin Hall of Fame walks onto the dais to call together the audience to begin the ceremonies but Chris Berman jumps up to the podium before Will and announces the commencement of the ceremonies. Will points out to Berman that Barbaro is in the audience wearing leather pants and Berman waddles off distractedly towards the legendary horse to work his magic.
As Will begins the day’s events there is a scuffle by the library entrance with loud cries of “I’m a combat vet!!” The illustrious Mike Cooper and his father are attempting to gain entrance to the library for Coop’s day of glory. But, Carl Monday and his moustache have ambushed the pair with microphone in hand and camera in tow as Mike’s mother drops them off in the minivan. Carl has brought along the police in an attempt to get Cooper into more trouble by tattling about his frequenting of a place where children congregate. As the two try to enter the Berea Public Library Monday begins asking pointed questions like “Do you still have sex with yourself, Mike?” After which Cooper’s father grabbed the microphone from Carl Monday and chucked it across the parking lot with mini-Cooper screaming “Get the hell away from me, Carl Monday!!”
During this fiasco Southeast Jerome and Coach Janky Spanky arrive late to the ceremonies and attract Mr. Monday. In a pre-emptive strike Jerome told Carl that he was only “willing to talk X-rated shit.” Looking quite pleased, Carl Monday began his badgering of the Portis crew.
Off in the distance some more shouting breaks out as Kyle Orton has fallen off the hoochie dais in a drunken stupor. Jen P shouted “Hooray, bear! And, hooray, beer…I mean Jack!” from the commenter section. Bleeding from his elbows, Orton slowly picks himself up, dusts off his neckbeard and congratulates himself for only spilling Jack Daniels on his shirt and not on the floor.
As things started to settle down and Will began to restore order to the event another ruckus arose in the women’s bathroom. People were yelling. Cries of “hurry up!”, “get a room!” and “whores!” cascaded out of the tiny public restroom. Word that Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley were re-enacting the scene that led to their induction spread like wildfire in the crowd. Because most of the people in attendance have the maturity of a 15 year old there was an immediate exodus to the bathroom and people circled around the scene like it was a high school fight.
The bathroom was complete chaos. Angela’s eyes were rolling back into her head and she was moaning and you could see someone kneeling on the floor of the bathroom stall. Above the din of the crowd you could hear someone yelling, “I got this! I got this!” In a purple blur, Fred Smoot sprinted from the back with a large French baguette in a bag yelling for people to move out of the way. Jen P yelled, “Run!!! You stupid fucking purple dinosaur!! Run!!!”
As Smoot approached the stall, he revealed the contents of the bag—a gold, latex, double-ended dildo. He pressed his way to the front and ripped open the stall door revealing the sex act Carl Monday had been hoping for. Carl and his crew had managed to get right up to the stall but his questioning only resulted in the girls saying that they had to pee and asked him to leave them alone. Carl kept asking if they were going to drive but received no answer.
Smoot slowly approached the duo like he was stalking wild animals. Creeping up to Angela and Renee he made an offering of the dildo and the two began to accept. But, Smoot shook his head and said “I’m gonna be operating the device today ladies.” Apparently, the scene wasn’t that interesting to some because Daunte Culpepper was shooting dice in the corner. Mike Cooper had been forgotten in the hullabaloo and managed to sneak back to the scene of his infamy, the computer near the children’s section in the library. He displayed his left-handed prowess and finally felt a sense of relief that he had made it back.
As the Berea police department began to clear the scene and things died down, Chris Berman approached the Carolina cheerleaders and uttered his famous line, “You’re with me, leather?,” with a bit of uncertainty, but he was denied by the boys in blue. Will, sobbing gently in corner because the day had been ruined, let a small smile creep onto his face at the corners of his mouth as the tears on his cheeks dried. Why? Because this is the only way the Deadspin HOF induction ceremony could have gone down.